Subject: In a word: Feh.
Posted on: 2016-05-06 02:50:28 UTC

(( Warning: This post contains swearing. ))

I can just about stand the first one, even with all the lens flares, but I gave up after the second. I actually wrote down my screed about it for the first one of these mailbox things. I never finished it or tried to refine it, because I'm pretty sure I'd have an aneurysm if I did, but here it is:

I hear all you modern kids and newcomers to this dimension thought it was great. Obviously you're all too green to know the difference between an homage and a ripoff—between fanservice and pandering. Well, pay attention, because I'm here to tell you all the ways you're mixed up. You would basically have to either know nothing about the original Star Trek or simply have lost all capacity to give a shit to enjoy this lazy, recycled assfest of a film.

Where to even begin.

Let's start with how pointless everything is in this film. I'll admit I was intrigued by the opening sequence and the idea of Cowboy Kirk actually receiving consequences for his actions. Kirk loses the Enterprise just before the start of the five-year mission? Interesting! Maybe he'll have to do some honest goddamn work and learn a thing or two before he gets it back. Maybe he'll be less of an idiot in this universe.

Or maybe he'll have to do jack shit and learn nothing because the plot conveniently kills off poor Captain Pike before his time, landing the Enterprise in Kirk's lap again. Pointless.

And then there was the whole rest of the film. There are no meaningful consequences for anything that happens in it. At the end, we're exactly where we were in the beginning: Kirk and crew are all set to go off on the five-year mission, Khan is a popsicle, and the Federation is poised on the brink of war with the Klingon Empire. Whoop-de-doo.

Oh, but we might have discovered a cure for death, though. I guess that happened. Now we don't have to worry about anyone making a meaningful sacrifice ever again! As long as they're mostly intact, they'll be fine!

Y'know why Spock's death had meaning in the original Wrath of Khan? Because we all thought that was the end. We didn't know there was another movie coming after that. That was it. No more Spock. No more Star Trek. His death was symbolic of the end of an era. And he had fucking earned that scene.

Let's talk about earning your moments. This film doesn't.

The reveal of Khan? Well, who the fuck is that? This universe didn't have a "Space Seed" to set the stage and show us why Khan is a big deal. We didn't get a full hour of the Enterprise slowly coming to realize exactly what kind of madman they had on their hands, leading finally to the difficult choice to maroon him on some desolate space rock where he couldn't do any damage. This film just tells us, "Oh, by the way, this is Khan. He's a superhuman from three centuries ago and he's a bad guy, okay?" And we're expected to gasp when we hear his name!

The Kirk death scene? Bullshit. I've already talked about Spock's death out of universe. Let's talk in-universe. By Wrath of Khan, Kirk and Spock had a steadfast friendship going back twenty years or so. They'd worked together, fought together, shared... all right, the tears and laughter weren't exactly shared, but you know what I mean. Shut up. The point is, "I have been and ever shall be your friend" had decades of weight behind it. They each knew exactly what that moment meant to the other.

In Into Darkness, they've known each other for what, a year? Less? I don't know. They're still working things out. NuSpock hasn't even got a chink in his armor for his girlfriend oh God don't even get me started on that, fuck. Anyway. This guy. We're expected to believe he's going to cry for Kirk. Really? Why? Based on what? They don't have a lifetime of friendship and profound shared experiences. They don't even get along that well. All I can think is that they're trying to appeal to the Kirk/Spock slashers in the most blatant and pandering way possible, for which I can only say shame on them. I mean, don't get me wrong, everybody's love is equally none of my business thank you very much, but don't go there unless you mean it. Don't taunt people.

This brings me to the Khan! shout. Not earned. Out of place. Khan didn't kill Kirk, Kirk's idiocy killed Kirk. The Khan! shout in Wrath of Khan happened after a classic villain speech of epic proportions.

And that is where I had to stop or pass out due to hyperventilation.

The trailers for the third movie make me want to resign from the human race. I keep telling myself I won't even watch it, but I know I will anyway. Somebody shoot me.

—Agent Supernumerary

(( Obligatory disclaimer: Nume's opinions are not necessarily those of the management. I do think the trailers for the third film look appalling, though. The don't feel like Star Trek to me at all. ))

Reply Return to messages