Dear understandably angry agent,

I’m afraid I don’t have anything to do with the payroll. If I had some more information, I could try to escalate the situation.

Though, since you’re here, could I interest you in some Draugr weapons? The armory added an extra zero to their last order and we’re not really sure what to do with all the extras.

Yours,

Aulhar

Wait. The PPC has AUs? I knew we were fictional! Take that, stupid author! gets hit on the head with lampshade Ow!

Does it still kill Sues? Because if so, I’m on board.

((This is okay!))

Mina’s worse than my last partner. She ignores me, wanders off on missions, and TRIES TO SAVE SUES. Why? WHY? Doesn’t she know that all Sues must die! Aagh. I’m not dealing well.

((He didn’t really answer the question, but oh well.

—Ls))

I’ve been in the PPC my whole life! It’s fun. Being an agent is fun. I’ve always wanted to be an agent like my parents!

I like wandering around Headquarters and meeting new people. Like you! I’ve heard of new Caledoria, but my parents never go. I think it’s ‘cause they’re overworked. I like my parents’ RC, because it has the people I loooove!

As long as you can get to Medical, you’ll be fine. Probably.

((This is rather more on-topic than Mina is normally.

—Ls))

My opinion on Twipires? I don't think I have one, honestly... They are what they are. They're part of their established canon, where they make sense in context. Not sure they count as Sues, really, not in their own universe. If one of the major characteristics of a Sue is that they are better than everyone else, but there are a bunch of characters in the universe that have the same kind of power level, is any of them really a Sue? I honestly don't know. I just don't think about sparklepires enough to have the energy to hate them, I guess. There are enough uncanon Sues to worry about.

Removing any of them from their context, I guess you end up with someone really annoying, though. And tough to kill. Not that, uh, I support killing your partner. That's not... what I'm suggesting.

Uh... This might not be the answer you wanted, actually. Sorry, I guess.

Um. Well. Green is my favourite colour, I think? I used to wear green a lot.

I have... pause as she counts, frowns and re-counts Three friends? I don't think Blank counts. Mellon is my friend, and Othoniel is too, and Autumn is... friendly. So three. But I'd like some more! I don't... I don't know how to make friends.

I met the Marquis de Sod when I was recruited. It wasn't a very interesting meeting. It just, you know, looked at me, and decided I was in okay shape to be an agent. But I haven't met any other Flowers, just sort of seen them in passing or heard about them, so I don't think I can have a favourite yet?

Autumn brings me donuts sometimes. I like caramel-y ones, and chocolate ones. And jam ones. They're all really good!

((Aw. That's very cute. =D ))

Now this requires some thought.

We are now moving in a world where I have not only figured out how to handle my transformation, but have enough info about different fandoms to answer this question. I haven't, yet, because going from crow intelligence to human intelligence is a massive, eldritch-horror sort of thing and I am currently grappling with the concept of Tuesdays so you know

Crow brain goes: Shiny thing!! Many thing. Many thing=better than one thing. Collect all things. Keep them. Have them. WIN.

Human brain goes: Well, which thing comes with maximum sparklies, minimum bagage? The One Ring looks nice, but I don't like the idea of becoming corrupted by it. Even if I got away with the theft, I don't think I'd get away with the repercussions of owning the trinket itself. Having all the Infinity Stones would appeal to the crow, as there is an aspect of quantity over quality there, but as a human I am aware of their explosive power when kept in the same place. I don't need any complications. I just like shiny things. Even just the one Stone would be too much for me. Same with Horcruxes really. Some of them might be shiny, but if they still contain a bit of someone's soul it's not worth it.

So! I'd go for something that's shiny, and maybe plot relevant, but not literally universe breaking. Like the Sword of Godric Gryffindor. Looks good on a shelf, but won't cause me to go insane. Or for something shiny that also has the added benefit of repelling evil, like a Dagon Sphere.

but Kaguya-sama is not available at the moment. Please contact later. Thank you for your cooperation.

• All three of the Sansenke are interesting in their own ways, with each of them aiming for something different. Personally, I'm intrigued by Omotesenke and its difference from the school I'm studying; being the "main house", it aims to utmost preserve tradition in its purest form. I do not think I can ever study the other two schools; I find myself unable to make tea without bubbles.
• All seasons are beautiful, but autumn carries a special appeal for me. I like most things associated with autumn: tsukimi, chestnuts, red leaves. I'm especially drawn to red leaves; I have always wanted to see red leaf season in Kyoto, though.
• I was president of tea ceremony club through middle/junior high and high school. Back in high school, I was considered one of the four most popular club presidents in the school. It was a quite memorable experience.
• I don't actually have any special secrets; I simply follow the skincare routines my mother taught me. Perhaps the secret is that I drink too much milk? (laugh)
• It's interesting that a great many aspects of Japanese culture was derived from China; the language, the religions, the clothes. In fact, I briefly considered studying Chinese once.

Once again, thank you for the questions!

---

((After doing some calculations based on the fact our botchan was conceived on tsukimi, it turns out that his birthday is June 21. Well, happy early birthday to moonboy, I guess?))

Urato: Man, I'm heckin' tired o' randomly fallin' into Guyatchi's place n hearin' him nag 'bout how I'm steppin' on tatami borders. Or not takin' shoes off. Ya be actin' like it's my fault that I fall in yer room when I'm brushin' my teeth!

Inasuke: It's mildly annoying, but I get to see Shigisawa-sempai everyday. That's all that matters.

((About missions: they currently have online 2 missions that aren't with the Four Demonly Kings 😅. With a timeline now semi-established, I plan to write more missions for them between their first and the Strawberry Shortcake one))

Agent Liu also hasn't seen it. He's just starting to venture out past xianxia and wuxia, though I think he's fixating more on science fiction for, uh... Jack Harkness-related reasons.

He also wants me to inform you that Kunqu is sorely underrated, compared to Peking Opera.

I utilise a mixture of rice bran water once a week, and daily combing of a hundred strokes with an oxhorn comb.

I thank you for your curiosity.

C: Honestly? The more things change, the more they stay the same.

E: How so?

C: Well, Sues still get assassinated, slash spirits still get exorcised, crossovers still get untangled...

E: There has been a noted increase in recruitment and leaving bit characters to re-assimilate, however.

C: Yeah, there's definitely a fair number of bits we could have spared back in the day. Dr McPhee, Mazzie, Thresh...

E: You still remember their names?

C: Might not be Dr McPhee. That museum person from Alexis's mission. Dr McPherson? Dr MacIntyre?

E: We grew weary of Sue Slaying, as it were. It is interesting that the culture in HQ has changed to lessen the amount of that.

C: Oh, yeah. In 2006 it was very "thou shalt not suffer a Suvian and her lackies to live".

E: To be fair, that was not long after the... Falling Down?

C: Crashing Down. Black Cats and Mary Sue Factories. Then the Mary Sue Factories again in 2008, just before I met you.

E: Mm. The gradual culture change in HQ has not been very noticeable, but I am hardly the one to ask about any sort of short-term change.

C: It has been fourteen years, Ellie.

E: What is fourteen years in the lifespan of an elf?

C: ...Yeah, I'm not going to unpack that. We did spend a good portion of the major shift away from assassinating... being away from assassinating, so it's really hard to tell. Thanks for the question, though.

But one of those nice ones. Werewolves not swearwolves, right? Knowing me, though, I'd probably turn into more of a werepomeranian.

Carleton, on the other hand, has actually turned into a vampire once. He got better, though.

((ETA the meta backstory there behind Carleton. He was an OC I wrote for a vampire story where he was a vampire nurse who was helping himself to the blood bank to stave off his urges. He's human here, though. I think :P))

Only thing I can say for them is that there is a lot of magic holding them together. Some of the weirdest are the Tragic Umbrella, Candy Cane Sword, Ham Bat, and Star Cannon. The Star Cannon is a very good weapon, but it's not very practical because it uses fallen stars as ammo. My favorite sword is probably the Night's Edge.

I have a few sundry soliloquys memorized, but I don't really know much about theatre. I would like to jion, though, if you don't mind.

They're lands out of nightmares. I'd be fighting monsters 'til that they get into piles taller'n my head. But it's not al like that. The forests and the rivers rolling on the plains, that's a beautiful sight to see. And the deep caves, where there's ore and jewels to find.

Usually I just have to avoid narrower halls during my shift. I’m technically allowed to use those magic disguise boxes of yours to make size more manageable, but then balance becomes an issue. Seriously, how do you scavengers stay upright?

-Ocotillo, DIA

Jiwon: I don’t think so? At least I don’t remember ever going, um, feral. I think. What would that even be like? Is that just something that can happen to people?

Charlie: Eh, not really my thing.

it's fine no i'm not no again never why should i black and green camo

The mini likes them, and frankly that's all that needs to be said.

(("The mini". ~hS))

[Redacted]

Sincerely,

Agent Chiaroscuro, Legal Department

I'll clime out thwindows after clas &nd sneke to your house ockay?

(Oleander, give me that.)

(Awwwwww Moooooom)

Hi Christianne,

Did you know about this? I'm fine for you to pick Ol up today if you had any involvement in this plan; otherwise I'll ask Mrs. Mortimer to keep the windows locked. Dafydd has A Thing at the Musee this evening, so he can run round and collect him after that.

I should probably mention that Ol has apparently decided he wants to be a squirrel when he grows up, so try to keep him away from trees; he'll be up them like a shot otherwise, and Araucaria are a bit spiky for that.

-Constance

((... who is emailing Christianne out of the perhaps-misguided belief that they have common experience reigning in their Elvish partners.))

((I have a doc on the New Cal schools which establishes Mrs. Mortimer as Oleander's teacher in some way; I have a feeling she might be Lily's character but can't confirm. ~hS))

(K: David? It's a troll.)

(David, seething with anger: I don't care if it's a troll! They're getting my-)

(K: David, please.)

(Paye: Mr. Null?)

(David: Oh hi Paye.)

(Paye: Isn't it bad to feed the trolls?)

(David: ...)

(David: Yeah. They thrive off of shpxing anger. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm taking a very hot shpxing shower.)

(Paye: Don't scald yourself! Please!)

(K: He's not. Last time he said that, he took a mildly warm shower. Most of the time, our sense of temperature is shot.)

...

Hey, this is Paye. Please don't send such messages again, A Troll. Thanks!

((Yeah, most of it is canon, except for K actually knowing vampire stuff. After he was turned, his mentor left, so K knows next to nothing about vampires.))

((Also, please note that David isn't mad at you, Ls, but rather at the troll, if that makes any sense.))

((-kA))

K: The what now?

David Null: You know, the comma before and in a list? Personally, I don't give a shpx about it, unless I specifically say to include it on an assignment. That's the one rule I honestly couldn't care less.

K: I still don't get it, sorry.

some explaining, and some cursing from David, later

K: Oh, that? That's not required?

David Null, to self: That's why you were a terrible English teacher for one year. It wasn't just a shpxing rumor to... (to K) Yeah, in some situations.

K: Oh. Interesting. Personally, no opinion, I guess?

((Canon. K literally doesn't know names to certain grammar stuff, while David Null doesn't really care about it. Now, if it was the difference between wracking and racking, oh dear gods.))

((-kA))

Thalia here! Doomie never leaves our RC so uh, good luck? I can scare him away if ya want! Doomie says I’m really good at scarin’ people!

He does like his BTS. Dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, ayy, Dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, ayy, Dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, ayy, Light it up like dynamite! But yeah, dynamite is definitely the best! I can lend you some, I still have some left over from my last supplier!

The fact you can care about somethin’ so much you’d put it before everythin’ is so bizarre. I mean, call me selfish, but if the big man in the sky is comin’ after me, I’m not sacrificin’ myself for someone. You ‘umans are seriously weird things.

((Demons, in Meg’s verse, can only be erased from their plane of existence by god. Meg is a Second Generational demon, which means it would take an angel (or a couple goddess!sues) to banish her back to hell, but they couldn’t kill her.))

You’d think the fact I was thrown through a wall by a giant troll would help it stick in my memory. Yes, Paye was the annoying little mortal, correct? Irritating, but my partner is generally worse. As for David, he is of an inferior species of vampire and does not bear mentioning. I was forced through horrible grammar and thrown through a wall, which chipped my nose. How do you think I felt?

Well, Paye’s a luv. David… honestly he reminds me a bit of that Disentangler who works with the blue alien guy. Number? Something like that. But I’d work with them again. Well, other then the total annihilation of my favorite childhood series, it wasn’t bad as far as missions can go. Of course saying that’ll probably mean some glodawful smut gets delivered to us, but whatever.