The PPC Roleplay Board - Latest posts

Hello, PPC board. This is my first time here, propably also my last because I don't like to write fanfiction. I do, however, like to read fanfiction, therefore I have decided to share a very special bad fanfiction with you:

The fanfiction in question is called "Edward Cullen vs Russian Mafia". It starts of with Bella Swans death by the hands of a ninja. For some reason, Edward Cullen then decides to take revenge on the Russian mafia. And then... stuff happens. Edward Cullen kills the same person twice, he and Jacob get turned into cyborgs, Bella ends up as a brain in a jar, and Edward fights against Dolph Lundgren.

Aside from the terrible grammar and spelling, the story is also full of character defilement. The author can't decide whether Edward should be badass or not, or whether Bella is cruel or not. Seriously, the characters constantly switch between different personalities! The author can't even recall which characters he has killed off so far.

Here's the link for the fanfiction. Be warned, it's not safe for work.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6448545/1/EdwardCullenvsRussianMafia

O_O

As a random person who occasionally browses the PPC wiki, I request that someone deal with this fic: (Details copy/pasted from TVTropes, as I could not get past the first paragraph without being overwhelmed by disgust and homocidal rage)

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/03/fanfictionfridaytheother_story.php
How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (massive squick, surgical procedures of abortion glorified and discussed in graphic detail, general WTF)

Synopsis: Videl researches abortion and gets incredibly aroused. Gohan steps in; sex ensues. Later, Videl realizes she's five months pregnant and gets an abortion, enjoying every step of the process, down to looking at the bloody remains. She leaves, saving the clinic's number. WHAT. THE. .... I DON'T CARE ABOUT RULE 34, THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE A FETISH!

On an unrelated note, this was posted by the same man who discovered Rectified Anonymity (aka "The Pokemon Story"). He said he liked Rectified Anonymity better. Yeah...

(( Sorry for not getting back to this sooner; I have been distracted. shakes fist at RL and the wiki

I hope you don't mind if I bend a rule a little to move through the group activity, since we all basically know how it goes. Fill in the details if you wish. {= ) ))

With just about everyone's eyes on her, Jenni hesitated. It wasn't as though she hadn't made speeches before, but usually when they happened it was the impassioned result of someone being an idiot and needing an immediate education in Jenni's School of Stop Being an Idiot. Deliberately stepping into the foreground like this was totally different.

Perhaps sensing his mother's discomfort, Henry provided a distraction by squirming and trying to pull his hat off.

"Whoops. Nope, no, not yet. Gotta wear the hat, kiddo." She fixed it and looked back up at everyone with a grin.

"Well, hi, everyone. Thanks for being here--I know how hard it is to get away. Um, as you all know, it's my son Henry's birthday. He's turning two, and this is his first party with friends, which I am very excited about. Dunno about him." She shrugged a bit sheepishly, as if to say "kids; what can you do?" Henry chewed on his toy and looked up at her curiously. The combination reminded her of something, and she turned to call up to the stands.

"Nume! Stop lurking and come participate for a bit. This is mandatory party behavior!"

"I'm not singing," he informed her flatly. However, he did set his book aside and come down to stand with crossed arms at the fringe of the group. Better to suffer a small dose of foolishness now than the subtle revenge the green-eyed woman would take later if he didn't.

"I'll take what I can get," Jenni said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, we've got a cake here, so I hear there's some sort of ceremony that goes with it. Uh..." Shifting Henry to sit on her hip, she freed up an arm to light the two candles. "So, here we go! If you don't know the song, make something up, I guess."

She took a breath and led off a round of "Happy Birthday." Notably, Ilraen's non-voice lent an odd psychic undertone, and Derik managed to carry it off with far less difficulty than he'd implied, though the crowd covered him for the most part. Not notably, Nume did not sing. He did, however, join the customary round of clapping at the end.

Jenni sat down in a chair in order to hold her son at a level with the cake. Fitting the event's theme, it was decorated with the Hogwarts crest. "Okay, Henry. Blow out the candles! Blow!"

Henry stared at the flames for a few seconds, then did his best and produced a slightly wet raspberry. Despite this, the candles winked out simultaneously.

Jenni blinked. "Well now. You are your fathers' son." She grinned and planted a kiss on the back of the boy's dark, fuzzy head.

"Okay, everybody, dig in! It's Convenient Cake, so I know you'll all enjoy it!"

Brad had gone over with the other kids when he heard Jenni, climbing into the first free seat to get a better look at what was going on.

Ben, of course, had followed Jenni over to the table once the kids in the playpen no longer needed seeing to, standing back a little so as not to get in the way and wearing a faint smile.

Miriam also kept out of the way once Jenni called for attention, somewhat amused as everyone seemed to head over or at least look their way but without much to add. If Stephanie's birthdays had been any indication to her, things tended to get good once the cake showed up.

Hannah saw that everyone was gathering for the cake. "Thank you for talking with me, Ilraen. It was nice to meet you Miss Maeryn and Kaliel. Excuse me, please." Her store of politeness ran out and she didn't wait for a response before joining the group around the table.




Cali picked Helen up, and took Kyle's hand, "Daisy chain!" he said loudly, and Keven grabbed Kyle's hand. Kyle looked like he thought he was much too big to be holding hands, but Cali held firm when he squirmed. Deciding he'd better behave if he wanted any cake, he stopped squirming and followed quietly.

Kieran had been trying to impress the younger kids by flipping strawberries into the air and catching them with his mouth. At Jenni's call for attention, however, the last strawberry missed his mouth and bounced off his muzzle. Hiding his embarrassment, Kieran looked to the Nurse and mumbled something about "Hey look, a distraction."

Kestrel's nose twitched. She could smell frosting.

In the playpen, Artemis heard the Nurse's call and left off blowing spit bubbles. He began to bounce up and down, trying to see over the playpen. His flapping wings carried him a few inches higher as he tried to see what was so important.

Cara looked over to Jenni, then waved Stephanie over. The little girl put her plate aside and came to get a look, grinning hugely as she guessed what was about to happen.


William had been listening, still sympathetic, to Derik's story, and turned to look as the big man indicated the table. He chuckled quietly, remembering the first birthday Stephanie had had with them.


Owen came running over to climb his father rather like a tree and get a better view.

((Sorry I've been kind of quiet; school and work kind of ambushed me this week))

Kaliel, who had been listening with a quiet interest to Ilraen, turned at the sound of Jenni's voice.

Ooh, cake! Maeryn said, her mental voice excited. I wonder what kind it is.

~I'm sure we'll see soon, 'Ryn,~ Kaliel replied, amused. ~For right now, let's just hear what Jenni has to say.~

Seeing everyone happy again, Jenni took a look around the room and made a decision. "I think we can do better than doughnut holes. Off you go, Helen. Here, here's a rattle." She did a double-take at the teeth marks in it, but left it with the little girl anyway on the basis that she probably wouldn't mind. Sitting her down a good couple of feet from Artemis, she picked up her own child instead, toy and all, and headed for the table. Although reluctant to disturb the people occupied with plates of food, she decided it was better to err on the side of brevity, and ensure things didn't drag on longer than the little ones could handle.


Derik pulled a wry expression. "To be honest, I don't know if I will take it up again. It seems this face" —he gestured at his scars— "comes with certain baggage in a wider multiverse. Although... I could do with something between missions. There's no work to do, and I don't know how often there are gatherings like this, just to socialize. Would you tell me about—oh, now wait a minute." He nodded in the direction of the table, where Jenni was calling for attention.


Ilraen thought for a moment. <He would probably tell you to go away first,> he confessed. <Afterward, though, I am quite certain he would. Ah, but perhaps not just now.>


Jenni made her way to the middle of the table, where a sheet cake sat covered. It was an easy matter to sit Henry in a chair long enough to uncover the cake with its two candles and fix an odd little Sorting Hat-shaped hat to the boy's head, and then lift him up again.

"Excuse me, everybody!"

Artemis observed Henry carefully, until he was absolutely certain the other toddler was sufficiently satisfied with his own toy, and thus wouldn't try coming after his. Feeling his point had been made, he retracted his forked tongue and busied himself blowing bubbles with his spit.

Kestrel snickered at this, ruffled his black hair, and strode back to the food table. "Crisis averted, I fink. Any donut 'oles left?"

Cali had finally managed to get Kyle and Kevin wrangled over to the area of the play pen, with a small plate of healthy foods for each. Neither of them looked very happy, but for the moment they were quietly eating.

He checked in with Jenni. "Is Helen okay? I heard her cry, but she stopped so quickly that I decided to finish dealing with these two hooligans."




Hannah looked in the direction Ilraen indicated and saw Nume trying to ignore the room full of people below him.

"Do you really think he'd talk to me? It looks like he is busy?"

Ben gave another one of his quick nods. "Sure thing."

The toy fire-lizard was easily retrieved, and he was soon handing it back to the young boy with a gentle smile on his face. "Here you go, Henry. Keep a better eye on it from now on, hm?"

~

Miriam rolled her eyes a little at Cara, amused. "Go ahead and tempt them, why don't you?"

Despite the tone of mock-cynicism in her voice, Miriam didn't seem to mind her surroundings overmuch, probably because she herself didn't have to try dealing with a crying child. Even Stephanie could be a handful when she was determined to be upset about something, and as far as the young Assassin was concerned her partner's daughter was somewhat abnormal with how well-behaved she tended to be. As long as she didn't have to test her patience too rigorously, she was happy enough.

Not to say she wouldn't help out if any of the other adults couldn't get around to it. Just to keep her partner from getting annoyed. Really.

Vicky had decided to risk leaving Luke alone for a bit in favour of helping Owen get some food. The little boy was less than impressed, but had long since learned that arguing with his mother wasn't a good idea, and just let her do it with a resigned sigh and a glance at Kieran as if to say, "Mothers."


William chuckled slightly. "I'm sure. I've never been much of a singer, myself, but at least the birthday song's pretty much expected not to sound overly tuneful when sung by large groups. Steph's never seemed to mind, anyway." He smiled at the little girl happily eating her snacks nearby, oblivious to the conversation.

"Maybe you should practice more, though - it sounds like something you used to do a lot, and hobbies can be a big help here. I know I've found some solace in my experiments, at times."

"Gets that bit from 'is father, I fink," Kestrel murmured to Jenni, smiling fondly at the toddler.

Artemis removed the toy from his mouth and clutched it protectively with both hands. Then, still peeved at Henry for taking it, he stuck out his tongue at him. It was a little too long to be normal, and forked at the end like a reptile's.

"That too," Kestrel added.

"Is that what it was all about?" Jenni wondered, regarding the apple. Some private thought made her grin a mischievous little grin. "Of course, he likes fruit."

Henry whimpered a bit at having the toy snatched, apparently unprovoked, which drew Jenni's attention from whatever she was thinking about. "Oh. Ben, would you grab that fire-lizard toy for him? It's just over there." She pointed; it was out of reach, and she wasn't quite ready to let Helen go yet.


"Yes, unfortunately, we've all forgotten our Teaching Ballads at some point or another," Derik said. He couldn't help but notice the sympathy writ large on the other man's face, so he felt he had to do something to make up for it. "Let me see now... I haven't tried this in... well. 'Dragonman, avoid excess / Greed will bring the Weyr distress,'" he sang softly, then abruptly cleared his throat. His voice was noticeably trained, a clear, high-end baritone, but equally noticeably unused for the purpose for some time. "Rusty pipes, I'm afraid. Jenni demonstrated the birthday song for Ilraen and me earlier. That will be a challenge!"

Kestrel leaned over the playpen, stroking Artemis's head. "There there, me little 'un, 'tis awright. 'Ere. Beggin' yore pardon, 'Enry." She nudged the toy apple closer to Artemis, who snatched it up and returned it to its original place between his teeth. For a moment Kestrel thought she saw stuffing peeking out of a tear in the toy, but the next moment it was gone. "No 'arm done, young'uns."


Kieran selected a plump strawberry from the fruit tray and bit into it so enthusiastically that juice squirted from the side. "Whoops."

Stephanie clambered up onto her own chair next to Brad and settled down to eat, only sparing the crying babies a brief glance.

Cara watched the scene, rather amused now that the childrens' respective adults were taking control of the situation. On hearing her partner she looked round and smiled. "Well, nobody's actually screaming yet, so I'd say so."


Luke was now standing by the table, looking like an oversized awkward teenager with so many small children around. He was staying very still for fear of accidentally standing on one.


William couldn't help but look utterly sympathetic towards Derik, but said nothing and listened with interest to the description of Pern. "It all sounds very interesting, and a good way to arrange things if one ignores the obvious potential for power struggles - I assume that's part of what you meant by the less than pleasant history?" He sighed a little. "That sort of thing's inevitable anywhere, though, really."

He chose not to comment on what he'd deduced about Derik. it wasn't for him to make assumptions and potentially say something offensive, not after everything the big man seemed to be struggling with already.

Brad seemed blissfully ignorant of what was going on with the adults as he wandered off to find somewhere quiet to sit and poke at the selection of sweets and vegetables that had been put on his plate. The sudden cries from the playpen startled him, but the grown-ups seemed to have everything in hand, so he pointed out a quieter part of the table to Stephanie and continued on. After a check to see if she was following or not, he put his plate up and began trying to climb into the nearest chair. Stephanie's mother had given him lots of nice snacks, and it struck him as somehow wrong not to eat them.

~

Ben almost abandoned the conversation with Barid as the cries reached him, his gaze snapping over to the playpen and
demeanour shifting to that of a concerned father figure, but he thought better of being so rude to his new acquaintance. Instead, he looked back to the troll and gave a quick nod.

"Excuse me for a moment," he said. "I'll be back shortly."

Without further ado, he headed over to join Jenni at the playpen, not quite running but certainly making a quick pace across the auditorium, giving the kids around a careful once-over.

"Everything all right here, Jenni?"

~

A quick look round showed Miriam wasn't needed for anything, so she let herself relax slightly, directing a wry look to her partner.

"Looks like everything's getting off to a good start, at least."

"Whoops." Jenni straightened up at the cry, homing in on Helen like a beacon. "Little more serious than it looked over there, I guess. I got it."

She stepped into the playpen and sat down to gently disentangled Helen and Artemis, then picked Helen up for hugs. "There we go, kiddo. You're okay. No big deal." She one-handedly patted the little girl's back, while sparing the other one to softly rub Artie's head. "What's all the fuss, hm?"

Henry, startled by all the noise, had let the apple fall from his mouth and stared open-mouthed at the others, confused and not quite sure whether to start crying himself or go back to what he was doing, since his mom was there.


Ilraen didn't immediately respond to Hannah, until he saw that Jenni was handling the crying. Then he relaxed again.

<Oh yes—I work in the Department of Implausible Crossovers. My partner is Agent Supernumerary, up there.> He pointed, then tilted his head thoughtfully. Nume was watching the scene with the babies. <He looks as though he does not wish to be spoken to, but do you know, I think he would if you asked him to. He is a very experienced agent. Much more so than I.>

Artemis had overbalanced and fallen on top of Helen, his surprised hiss growing louder. Beneath him, the girl burst into tears, her high-pitched wail grating in his ears.

The little half-demon struggled up, disentangling his wings from the crying toddler. He didn't blink very often, but he did so now, in mild bewilderment at the situation. Usually, when he was the cause of others' distress, it was intentional. Now, however, he'd caused another child to cry completely by accident. He hadn't known he could do that.

A noise from Henry made him glance over, and he let out a high-pitched noise of protest. He couldn't recall giving the other toddler leave to use his apple.

--

Kieran snickered at the dismayed six-year-olds when, suddenly, Helen started crying and Artemis shrieked shortly afterward.

"Great seasons," the fox muttered. "Did somebeast take away Artie's apple again?

Kestrel sighed. "I'll go an' make sure none o' the young'uns gets bit."

Cali heard the phrase 'threw food' and immediately zeroed in on the two women looking under the table.

"Excuse me, ma'am, I think I just located the boys," he said as he stood. He walked over to the table and joined the adults looking under the table. Kyle was pointing at Kevin, who was shaking his head in denial while at the same time attempting the 'I'm too cute to have done anything like that' look. Cali saw the plate, and the sticky faces and fingers of the boys.

"You two are sitting with me for the rest of the party. Right next to the babies."

"No, not that! We don't want to sit with the stinky babies! We're big for that!" Kevin whined.

Just then Helen started crying in the playpen.



"Animorphs. I believe I'll look into that. I need to begin learning canons, so I'll be prepared when I can begin going on missions. Are you an agent?"