To Every Single Ficcer of My Work,

Stop. Immediately. That means 'now', in case I'm using a word too big for your tiny little brains. Any other words you don't understand, go get a dictionary. If you don't know what one is, ask an adult and then beat your head against the wall for being such a moron.

I started as a ficcer myself so I'm not at all opposed to the writing of fanfiction. I am, however, totally and completely opposed to fanfic as profoundly horrible as all of you have produced. I am disgusted and infuriated you would so totally abuse what I have spent over ten years crafting and refining and it will be over my cold, dead body such filth and trash is allowed to remain online. I will be contacting whoever runs this archive or hosts this website and making it clear that unless all fanfic for my novels is removed they will be served with a lawsuit. So will every single person--or their parents/guardians, if they're under eighteen--whose work remains posted online and, yes, I do have ways of finding out. Thirty may sound ancient to some of you and you might assume you're sooooooooo much smarter than me with computers and the internet. Keep thinking that. I'll see you in court.

Two things:

1) What kind of crack were you snorting when you got the idea for Kyle/Brian? Kyle and Brian are both straight as a ruler. Maybe it's just me and the dozens of people over the years who've beta'd my stories, but all of us agree there are plenty of reasons why neither of them will ever get their rocks off with another guy. The most they ever are is friends. Period, end of story. It's OOC for both of them and there are gay, lesbian, and bisexual characters in my novels so use them for your slash.

2) Anyone who wrote Laurel/Brian taking place within the timeline of my novels has earned my especial loathing and contempt. Not only is it incredibly poorly written and executed, not a single one of you has given them any plausible reason for him to betray Felicity--his wife and her good friend--in that way. Neither of them a nymphos with hair trigger libidos that explode into mindless passion the moment they're alone together. Brian sees her as a sister, people. A sister. Speaking of sisters, the person who wrote Brian/Shelley has twenty-four hours to remove that fic before I sic the lawyers on you. It's illegal and disgusting. Anyway, like I was saying, Brian sees her in a totally platonic manner and Laurel clearly has more than enough self-control to keep her hands off of him.

Everyone who wrote a rapefic has twenty-four hours as well before the lawyers start getting involved. Kyle wouldn't rape any woman, especially Laurel. You all disgust me, using rape as a plot device.

With complete and total sincerity,

Jill O'Brian

************************************

To the Agents who PPC'd some of the mess made of my novels,

Good deeds should be rewarded, so how about this: autographed copies of my novels for the both of you and a cameo in my next novel. Fair enough? ;)

Dear so called 'fanwriter',

This was supposed to be fanfiction. With emphasis upon FAN. I find it difficult to believe that anyone fond enough of my work to term themselves a fan could churn out the drivel I have witnessed from you. Reread the books, please, until you remember that as my characters, they are and remain as I imagined them, not as what passes for your imagination would mutate them into.

Kindly desist from horrifying me with your illiterate nonsense. My patience is not endless. I may find myself forced to forbid fanfiction based upon my work...and rest assured that I will have you blamed for it. I look forward to either your silence or your improvement.

Cheers,
The author whose books you mangled.

Dear PPCer,

Thankyou for recognising the foul excresence that was that so-called 'story'. Thankyou for your defense of the works I have writer. You, I consider to be a very genuine fan. Would you like a cameo in my next book, or would you prefer a signed copy of the one you defended so masterfully?

Yours,
A very grateful author.

Let's see...
Dear Suethor,
I am most DISPLEASED at seeing your fanfiction about my story posted online for the world to see. It is absolutely atrocious. Character X would have never fallen for your "Princess Sparklypoo of MuffinLand". Indeed, MuffinLand does not even exist in GenericFantasyLand Y!
I used to be a fanfic author, just like you. But what makes us different is that I have an editor, or a beta reader. And I actually listen to them. I place my trust in my spellcheck and I constantly revise my stories to catch errors. From what I can see, you have not.
Do review what I have said. And for ReligiousDeity Z's sake, stop misspelling the characters' names! I have heard of Official Fanfiction Universities, and I seriously am considering opening one for you and everyone else of your writing level.

To the PPC,
I once have read your fanfiction about other worlds in a similar state of disrepair, and I must say THANK YOU for bringing justice to mine as well. I am truly in your debt.

To the badficcer,

This is a joke, right? No one could possibly think that that is a valid piece of writing based on the world I created.

It is creatures like you that make me consider revoking the right to write fanfiction based on my worlds. Rest assured that your name will be listed as one of the reasons if I ever do such a thing.

To the PPC,

Good work. Have an autographed copy of my books for your troubles.

She's a lesbian.

LIVE WITH IT.

Read the flipping books.

Yours,

The Author.

To the PPCers:

Rock on.

Would you mind killing these, as well? shoves links

Love,

The Author.

(Except I heard somewhere that authors can't read fanfic for legal reasons. I guess I'll just convince someone else to read it for me. ^_^)

To my dear, beloved, honoured fans,

If one more of you dares to write my boy Sam-chan in a romantic relationship with your little Mary Sue, I will hunt you down. I can put up with it when you make Tamaji-kun or Kami-kun in love with each other, despite their het love interests, as long as you do it well but Sam has said many times that the thought of being in that kind of relationship with a woman disgusts him. Do you know how many of the other fandoms long for a canon homosexual that they can pair with whichever male they want? Stop complaining and send your little female OC after one of the het/bi characters. Unless, of course, she's a Mary Sue. In which case, send her to take a long walk off a short pier. Your meddling kids are not wanted here.

While we're on the subject, leave Ka-chan alone. She gets barely any screentime as it is, because she's busy working behind the scenes, don't start bitching about what a 'Sue she is when she finally gets a few chapters. She's integral to the plot, I promise. Besides, with Kaya we get Tohru and I know you all love him. Maybe that's the problem.

To the PPC:
Thanks, I guess. It's flattering to know that my work can install so much passion in a person that they will really drown someone to make sure it isn't harmed in anyway. Kinda scary as well, but mostly flattering. Keep up the good work.

Yours sincerely,
the Mangaka.

Badfic Author,

How would you feel if I went on the news tomorrow and announced a blanket ban on all fanfiction based on my stories, loudly citing yours as the last straw? I will, of course, make sure to inform every other fanfic writer of your penname, real name, email, and home address.


My dear PPCers,

Would you like a cameo in my next book?

...if any of us were to get published, what would you think of fanfiction (of any calibre) of your universe? Would you go McCaffreyish and reject the very idea, or would you welcome it, frequent forums, talk to fans?

I have no words for how flattered I'd be if I found out that people were writing fic (preferably goodfic) of one of my fictional creations. Finding out that people liked it enough to PPC for it would make me faint, srsly.

Let's think... This could be quite interesting. Wonderful idea.


Dear fanfiction author,

Really. If you honestly think this situation is plausible, I recommend re-reading my book(s). Several times if necessary.

I ask you to then remind yourself that this is my world, and I am gracious enough to let you play in it. Continue as you are, and that permission may soon be revoked - reading this "story", and I use the term loosely, was almost physically painful.

Also, spelling and grammar are not an optional part of writing. Your English teachers must have despaired of you, and your math and history teachers probably weren't far behind.

Enclosed are the largest dictionary and thesaurus I could find. MAKE USE OF THEM.

Regards,

Me.
And as for the PPC...

Greetings, PPC-ers; I commend the brave agents who took on [story name], and thank you for your dedication to your Duty.

I think certain of my Canons are about to acquire an instinctive trust for people with DMS and DBS flash-patches.

Keep it up; you're slowly making the internet a better place.

Regards,

Me.

[Enclosed, an autographed, collector's-edition box set.]

What I'd say to a badficcer depends on what the main "bad" part of the fic was. Bad SPAG a la "legolas"? Anatomy fail a la the Spear Incident? Unintentional creepiness a la "soulless shell"'s seventeen-year-old who behaves like a seven-year-old?

What I'd say to the PPC is easy, though:

"Hi, guys. It's me. Just called to tell you that ... well, that badfic you recently sporked? Actually, I wrote that and posted it anonymously as an experiment. I wanted to see how bad I could make it before people stopped telling me it was great. They love it. I'm scared. Hug me now."

To the badficcer:

The book they're screwing up from. And the words "Read it again" printed and underlined in neat handwriting on the first page.


To the PPCer:

Autographed book.

Dear Badficcer,

Congratulations. Due to your efforts, my carefully planned timeline is now so thoroughly off-track that all your favorite characters are going to die and the world is doomed to fall into the gaping plothole you left behind, implode, and cease to have ever existed. Yes, you read that right.

I hope you're happy.

~Neshomeh

Dear PPCer(s),

Thank the Powers! You have no idea how grateful I am--the lawyers would never have got there in time to fix that mess! Thank you a thousand times over for saving my world. You rock.

~Neshomeh

Badficcer
Dear 'fan'

Although I admire your creativity, I would prefer it if you could act out your twisted fetishes with your own characters. There is a reason the book does not correspond to your ideas.

Thanks,
[author's name]

PPCer
Dear [PPCer's name]

I applaud your efforts. Carry on; I have no mind to stop you.

Thanks,
[author's name]

To the badficcers:

Dear fanbrats,

Flattered though I am that you wished to explore and expand on the world I created, I would prefer that you do it somewhere where neither I not anyone else has to be exposed to it.

Remove it, please, before my books curl up and cry.

To the PPC

Please would you kill this as soon as possible? Preferably yesterday?

Many thanks.

Dear Badficcers: While I'm glad you know about my books, I have to wonder if you've read them -and, if so, how recently. I suggest that you set aside all current conceptions of the characters and read the books again with an open mind. This may help you to write something that bears a resemblance to the original, as opposed to something that is similar to it only in the names of the characters.

Dear PPCers: Glad to have you aboard. Sally forth with my blessing. If you want the Canons to help, drop me a line.

To the badfic writers:

I will find you. No, seriously, I will find you. I can do that. Take it down.

To the PPC:

Can...can I join you?

Dearest fangirls and fanboys,

I owe you a debt of gratitude. While I'm surprised you have the cranial wherewithal to read my books, let alone write fanfiction about them, I am very happy that you have. Regardless of what you pounded out on your keyboard while you were watching TV, you have made me a very wealthy woman. I will spend the money you used on my books to promote better literacy and reading comprehension in the public schools, so your like does not surface again.

In addition, your fanfiction is so miserably inept that my writing looks infinitely better the more you try to mangle it. Anyone who didn't like my books the first time around will now think I'm Voltaire in comparison to your literary excretions.

However, I cannot allow my canon to go unprotected. Please be patient while your fic is exterminated. Thanks you.

PPCers,

Have at it.

To the badficcer

Dear sir, madam, or more likely, genderless beast from the depths of some swamp or other,

I am very glad people think my books are good enough that they wish to write more. However, I am not glad to find that you are the one who chose to write more. Have you considered taking up a career in chopping off your own hands to prevent yourself butchering any more books with your presumably drug-inspired drivel? You should really try it out.

To the PPCer

Aha! So now I know who all those people in black running around Malij were.

hS

Quit mangling my canon already. I feel like I'm on a goddamn spit-roast on high speed. Any more of this and I'll send a posthumous message to my lawyers to sue your asses off.

To the canon-purists: yes, I did put that character in the timeline awry to mess with you. I like seeing your theories for it, especially the one about the amnesiac schizophrenic.

Regards,

Me

To the Badficcer

Back off bitch. Mine.

To the PPC:

Duuuuuude! Thanks a bundle! Have a free copy of my books.

- Trojie, not very imaginative tonight