Subject: Kill all the pets.
Author:
Posted on: 2008-08-23 01:32:00 UTC
They're not the Naruto characters and even Doc Fitz might struggle to return them to human.
There's mention of Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, as well. The problem there is that Sakumo killed himself approximately nineteen years before the start of the series, when Kakashi was about 6 or 7 years old.
Landburm and I wouyld like to claim this fic for immediate killing:
http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=hiirowing&keyword=FF+-+Novel+%28SasuNaru%29&filter=all
THis is really really bad, and OOC.
Don;t worry, we plan on taking it out ASAP, or when we can. It is bad. Drake and Naomi will be the main people for this fic, while STormsong and SKyfire are along for emotional support and exorcism. Namely, along to keep DRake in check, and to keep Naomi sane.
Kitten boy pet thingies in NARuto? Just NO!!!
Okay, time for the charge list
Deifnately biolgoical imporbabilities.
Mating amphianiban with a mamal and getting offspring.
Just plain creepiness (Naruto describing his first mating in babytalk is among the most vomit-inducing things I've ever seen short of "Cloud Mows The Lawn").
Misogyny ("submissive" critters automatically equal female?)
Multiple cases of biological improbability (ass-hymens, shapeshifting, etc).
Multiple cases of rape turning to love.
Illogic (if they're as smart as humans, wouldn't it come under anti-slavery laws if you're trying to keep them as pets? If Naruto's a girl now, why are they still calling him "he" even though he's pregnant and wearing frilly dresses? This is the furry Japanese equivalent of Little Miss Mary!)
Ripping all the characters who weren't replaced OOC.
And of course, annoying PPC agents and being Marty Stus.
paedophilia (the second chapter rape scene. Rape I can take, but the descriptions such as tiny baby penis make it worse than rape. The baby talk makes it worse too).
Incest
More illogic; if they're both babies, why the fixation on breeding them already? Ew. (Even ferrets can take ONE heat period without dying.)
Acknowledging that a feline/canine crossbreed would be difficult to produce then producing a mammal/amphibian cross.
Giving them stupid scents (honey, milk, lilac (WTF, since when was lilac a 'heavier, muskier scent?))
Saying that saliva is not a disinfectant (It is. Iruka is a teacher, he should know this.)
Making Hinata be intolerant of Neji's presence (canonically it's the other way around, at least until after the chunin exams)
you are braver and mroe hardy then I am. I can barely read his stories. my brian jstu shuts down....
and you are right about hte hinata.
Any otehr blanat charges we should know?
Also, think we shoudl include any of hte reviews of the story? or make a reference to the reviews?
...male biology doesn't work that way and still writing horrible smut scenes.
Definately. any more?
any ideas which characters we can spare, which are allwoed kills, and who we ahvfe to exocrise?
Referring to them as "kittens" with "paws" and "fur", yet acing as if they're human children. That second part is a whole charge in and of itself.
The bit-characters- Tsunade, Kurenai, Asuna, maybe some of the barely mentioned pets like Shikamaru and Temari- are probably mostly IC. Though I don't know what'll have to happen with the pets, seeing as the characters are supposed to be human and all.
They're not the Naruto characters and even Doc Fitz might struggle to return them to human.
There's mention of Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, as well. The problem there is that Sakumo killed himself approximately nineteen years before the start of the series, when Kakashi was about 6 or 7 years old.
They're not supposed to be canon, and Naruto's foetus could be kept in a jar by Doc Fitz till it's ready for "birth".
No way we can save any of the pets, or attempt to retrain them, or bring them back for adoption by Agents?
... showing they're supposed to look like human children wearing kitty ears and cat-paw-shaped boots and gloves, and about the size of cats. Say what you like about the fic, but the art was cute. Still, they bear no resemblance to their canon selves, and thus cuteness shall not save them.
A lot of the ones which aren't are just arguing about how Naruto should be topping Sasuke. I don't care, because these creatures are blatantly NOT Naruto and Sasuke, whoever's buggering who.
I just read the first chapter and my head hurts.
I'm not an animal expert but, last time I checked, male animals don't go into heat.
And since when did people carry suitcases to work?
Submissive Sakura? Don't make me laugh. Even in canon Sakura's a pretty forceful person, unless you're talking pre-timeskip Sakura with Sasuke in the vicinity.
You finished the chapter? I skimmed over, and my head still hurt. You are though.
passes over the bleepka
They go into rut, I think, at least, those that do. Although, we think Naruto is mroe a werid herm than a true male.....
ERrrr, if they work in a place that uses suitcases?
Yeah, she is forceful. ALthough,l think is this pre-timeskip. So no freaky strength sakura, I think./
You thoughts on how ot kill the obiviosuly oc ones?
I didn't dare look at any more. glugs bleepka
According to Wikipedia, rutting only happens in antlered members of the ungulate family (deer, sheep, antelope etc). Naruto seems to be some kind of human/cat/kyubi hybrid.
Herm!Naruto is, ugh! He's a male in canon (or Sai would have said something already) and so he should stay that way in fanfiction. Unless you're writing a genderswap AU that is. Or he's in his Sexy Jutsu form.
It says that Iruka is a school teacher, so maybe the author got suitcase and briefcase mixed up somehow. It makes an amusing mental image though.
Drowning works well for Naruto and Sasuke, as you suggested before. I don't know about the other characters though, since there's not enough of them in the first chapter to tell.
Pre-timeskip Sakura was pretty strong, if you count the fillers as canon. Before Sasuke left she ripped the mast off a boat and used it as a weapon.
WEll, we coudl use a second set of eyes to help us with the charge list.
any idea what ot do with the other animal pet main characte4rs?
yeah, can;t forget the sexy no justu form. that is interesting move, no?
WEll, some we will ahve ot ecorcise, and others we deifnately have ot kill. just dont; knwo wehr eht ereal naturo adn suaske woudl eb hiding though.
... well, remember where the plothole was with Wangsty!Pregnant!Mariel Sue?
But no, I don't think prising full-sized humans out of a kitten's biologically implausible orifices is the way to go. That's too disgusting even for me.
We might want to save Gaara and Rock Lee's offspring as well - raccoon/frog/human hybrids would make some interesting playmates for Moses Taggson ...
He/she/it made Lee into a frog hybrid? WTF!?!? Actually, I could probably see that given how he dresses in canon. Let's try that again.
Ahem.
They made Lee be submissive to GAARA? Has this person watched the series/read the manga at all? I find it hard to believe that they have.
I have nothing against the Gaara/Lee pairing at all, when they are both human and are in an equal relationship not the messed up dom-rapes-sub-and-sub-isn't-allowed-to-complain parody that is presented here.
Let me guess at other pairings in this. Temari/Shikamaru and Neji/Tenten (or Neji/Shikamaru and Temari/Tenten if there's no such thing as a het pairing in this). Kiba/Hinata, Asuma/Kurenai, Kakashi/Iruka, Tsunade/Jiraiya. Am I right?
Actually the other was Cat!Neji abusing Mouse!Hinata (if their fathers were twin brothers, wouldn't that make them half-siblings rather than just cousins? Eeh), and apparently Sakura/everyone according to the character-bashing bits.
So, which should be exorcised and which are character replacements, and of the character replacements, which should be killed and which should be adopted? Naruto-thing and Sasuke-thing need to die. Barbecue time? I think the raccoon-thing and tadpole-thing that appear at the end could be adopted, and I think Naruto-thing is pregnant at the end so an emergency in vitro transportation may be necessary (unless Drake's willing to carry it for a while ... well, Skyfire and Naomi probably wouldn't be).
Sorry, the desk isn't enough this time.
I think in family terms they would be counted as cousins, but genetically they would be half-siblings. You'd have to ask someone who knows more about biology/genetics though. Still, how do you get a cat and a mouse hybrid from that close a genetic relation? Fandom is split about it though, I think. I normally stay well away from Hyugacest (and Uchihacest and Sandcest) fics though, so I wouldn't know. However you look at it, they're too closely related for me, personally, not to be squicked.
As they said in Kit and Kay Boodle (a weird but very funny in the "Plan Nine from Outer Space"-type way furry webcomic): "How does a feline explain having a lupine father?"
"The same way a murine daughter explains having a canine mother! You don't! You don't have to explain being furry, you just go with it!"
Incest doesn't bother me so much as long as they acknowledge that it IS incest, at least if the characters are aware they're related. Just completely disregarding the fact annoys me.
So, which do you think would be character replacements and which are just in dire need of exorcism and reconstructive surgery?
Iruka seems to be as concerned about Naruto as he is in canon. Well, except for leaving him to be 'mated' to Sasuke against his will that is. Kakashi seems to be mostly in character as well.
I haven't read far enough to get a feel for other characters yet. Kurenai seems to mostly be in character though, but she hasn't appeared much.
It'd help if we knew when they'd revert to after the exorcism.
I read through chapter 12 (yeah, I know), and really, the characters are just plopped into the story without any sense of timeline.
This is difficult because I barely know the canon at all - I know the manga up to the beginning of the Wave Country bit and I've seen the first episode of the show in both sub and dub.
that, barring the mention of Kakashi's father (canonically dead long before the start of the series), it's post time-skip. Naruto's age is set at sixteen at several points, Sai is around (which puts it post Gaara Rescue) and Asuma is there (which puts it before the fight with Hidan and Kakuzu).
I took care of a High School AU that featured characters from different times (for example, one was canonically dead when another was a few years old). When the author-wraith was exorcised and the canon snapped back, the series basically restarted and the characters were returned to how they would be at that point.
Or you could separately neuralyze each character and drop each back into the canon universe at the spot their characterization most closely matches. That would take quite a long time, of course.
I don't know this canon, I freely admit, but I have to say you really should get in-vitro transportation, or contact Doc Fitz to transport the baby into Medical. I very much doubt that Upstairs will take a lenient view of Mpreg, even in a good cause, so Drake is right out, and it's usually a good idea for the baby to be moved into a mother of its own species...
I guess Medical have artifical wombs or something for babies that need it. I know I've heard of a case where it happened before...
This is Drake, after all. But yes, we'll use in-vitro, like Mara and Isaiah did with the Sue's kids in "Your Unhappy Elladan" and what happened with that mpreg fic somewhere.
you are assumign drkae woudl amle. DRake has gotten himself a little addiction. He is a bit addicted ot suing hte DORKS
It does change the physical appearance, but I don't know if it'd change the stored gametes.
I think it's more like a skin overlay than an actual physical restructuring.
In TOS, when teh girls became dragons, they were able to fly.
But I think it'd just adjust the outer appearance without changing the insides much ... I don't know. I doubt it'd make him into a fertile woman, though.
supposedly hinata is a herm too. this author is werid.
... by the power of Author Does Not Want To Imagine Cute Girl With Penis. (Though he has no problem doing so when it comes to Naruto, apparently ... no, Naruto-thing does not count as female. I refuse to let the abomination associate with my gender.)
The pink rabbit which is ostensibly Sakura doesn't do much except punch Naruto-kitten-thing and get killed by Sasuke-kitten-thing, but anything which is violent towards these creepy Stu things is probably on our side. It would have to be neutered and probably renamed, but maybe it could be rehabilitated?
it probably depends on if certain Agents will be able to control their instincts around what is basically a prey species, pink or not.
It's up to you really.
Skyfire has no hunting instincts, she'd go "Aw, sweet". Stormsong would find the thing irritating, but probably not want to eat it. (Strangle it, maybe ...)
Drake and Redd would be a problem, though, and Molly would DEFINITELY be a problem ...
would they consider it snack food? drake and redd? or woudl Redd try to hit on it?
Hmm, maybe htr eskaura buny thing coudl eb a babysitter? ro is that a very veyr bad idea?
She's like Coney Dewclaw, except she actually looks like a carnivore.
Drake and Redd may try to eat it, I don't know. If it's neutered, Redd's other option for behaviour towards it would probably be removed.
SCary. What woudl Moses do?
F&L? coudl they use a pet bunny?
... he'd lose interest and fall asleep when he realised she wasn't a lactating otter. (He'll be a few months old when the mission happens, but he'd probably do about the same. Baby mustelids are pretty sleepy until they start crawling.)
Might be a bad idea, since they already have two Hellpuppies and a Mini-Deepcoiler, all of which are carnivores.
Maybe the critters could go off and become agents in their own right? They're apparently as smart as humans, though they're only cat-sized so maybe they'd have problems.
maybe for the MAke's thing memorial fund perhaps? She shoudl be quick, being a rabgbit, adn that seems ot be a main requirement for that fund, no?
although, if we do save her, the question is how do we do it wihtout revealing ourselves too early?
Since S&S are the PPC's resident yiff experts, it's only fair. I've been reading up on the first couple of bits of the Naruto manga - just enough to know how ridiculous this is - so I can help. The mustelids will stick to snarking the anatomy, and possibly giving first aid for Naruto-Stu-kitten-thing-induced diabetes.
We will definitely need the help.
So, any ideas how we shoudl kill the two Kitten STu thingies?
Adn we need a proper name for those thingies. Teh cat-person pet things. CPPTs perhaps?
As for killing them ... not sure. Since three of the agents getting rid of them are natural carnivores, there's an obvious answer for disposing of the bodies. Carnivore meat is apparently unpleasantly stringy and bitter, but Naruto-kitty-thing would probably taste okay because of its high sugar content (how else do you explain it secreting "honey"?)
How do we kill two Creepy Animal Friend Kitten things?
This is a ninja universe, and the requirements of the killing should let the corpses be aviable for well, consumption to put it midly.
Are there any lakes or something in the Narutoverse that we could hold them under until they stop wriggling?
there are rivers and that which you could drown them in.
There's Wave Country which is surrounded by water. I also remember a lake in River Country as well, from the Rescue Gaara arc which could be used for the purpose of drowning.
The place with teh two giant statues in the rock walls?